My heart is heavy today. Even though the day started off well (I went to my rheumatologist for a 6-month follow up; everything came back normal, and I don't have to go back for another year!! -- and I lost 4 inches and gained 3 pounds in muscle!), I feel somewhat dejected. Money is just a non-stop issue, and I'm not making any headway in making money. Trying to get a job won't work; we'd have to put the kids in daycare, which would cost us a fortune and risk putting Ricky in someone's care who doesn't/won't/can't understand him. Stupid student loans are taking our income tax refund from now until forever, so no money there. Wages would be garnished to start paying them back as well. I've made a real mess of things.
Unsure about the business situation. I try and stay positive, but I can't help thinking that maybe this is not what I'm supposed to be doing. If that be the case, I have NO idea what I AM supposed to be doing. I don't get that little spark of excitement when I wake up, encouraging me to go out and "do." It's so unstructured and unpredictable that I get frustrated and confused. I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing when I don't have someone in front of me or when I'm not doing invites. I'm also getting very annoyed at people who focus on the money and the lifestyle of the business; there is so much more to life than making money and spending it! No one ever says anything about giving back to charity or doing any real "helping people" stuff. I get that helping people lose weight and feel better IS helping them, but that's not the same thing as serving.
Went to an autism workshop yesterday on social skills. There was a lot of good, interesting information, and I got some strategies to help Ricky when he gets a little older (they're mostly reading-based). But, the speaker kept talking about "them" (referring to autistics) and I felt really uncomfortable. When she tried to explain why it is that certain things are difficult for people with autism, she made it seem as if there was something wrong with us, that we should be pitied for our shortcomings. I know she didn't mean anything like that by any means, but I still felt like I was an exhibit at a zoo. Not that anyone was staring at me or anything.
Only one lady there knew I'm autistic as well (her son is on the spectrum, too), so there was no one there to relate to how I felt. Even after I told the presenter that my son and I are both on the spectrum, she didn't ask for my input into explaining perspective or anything else that might have helped the group better understand. I can't really explain what it was that bothered me so much; I guess it's just another one of those things where I didn't fit in, didn't know what to do, and just wanted to involved. Granted, I'm not an expert on autism by any stretch of the imagination, but I can offer examples and explanations for some things as I have experienced them. This is the first workshop I've been to since I was diagnosed; maybe that's what was bothering me. It wasn't just an abstract discussion about anonymous children with autism, or even abstractly talking about Ricky. It was specifically about me, something I could relate to, and I wasn't included.
Our support group meeting is tonight, and it will probably be cancelled afterwards. The counselor is pregnant, due in a few months, there haven't been too many parents coming (I've been the only consistent one I know of), and the building has been bought by another company, so the doctors currently in the building are moving their practices. Without a building next month and without a steady, regular roster of involved parents, we will probably stop having the group all together. We're supposed to decide where to go from here tonight. I'd like to go under the bed and hide.
Maybe I'm just having an existential identity crisis. Who am I? What am I? Who/what am I supposed to be?
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