New development today with Ricky. Today, he started complaining that his hand hurt (he's not entirely verbal, so all I got was "ouch," tears, and his little left hand shaking and tense). I couldn't find anything wrong, and he couldn't tell me if something had happened. He started flapping his left hand first, crying and saying "ouch." When I picked him up from school, he wanted me to hold that hand, so I don't think he'd injured it somewhere. This flapping lasted for about 5 minutes and spread to both hands. Nothing happened that triggered this, at least not that I could figure out. He eventually calmed down, but his left hand and arm stayed fairly tense. We got home, and he started again, saying "ouch," flapping his hands, and not letting us hold his hand to look at it. He kept telling us "don't hit me" when we tried to take his hand. My husband said there was nothing wrong, that he probably just had a hand cramp. He said he used to get hand cramps all the time and had to shake his hands to work it out. Fairly random for this to start right now; something was hurting/bothering him, and I have no idea what it was, or how to get him to tell me so I can help. Makes you feel pretty useless.
I'm really stressing out this week. We had a support goup meeting last night, which was the best yet, and I asked Ian to go with me. He went, but it didn't help anything. He fought me for most of the testing period, even through ECI, insisting that nothing was going on with Ricky and he was a perfectly normal little boy. He didn't support me in having the school do testing, even though they were seeing the same concerns I was, and it took the school recommending that we move Ricky from pre-k to the PPCD room (which we did) for him to accept that "maybe" something was up. Even when they asked to start doing evaluations to see what the issue was, he kept saying that he didn't feel the testing was necessary, Ricky "would talk when he's ready." He did go to ARDs with me, but he didn't participate very much.
When we got his diagnosis of autism PDD-NOS, it's like he accepted he was wrong, but then decided that since I had been right all along, I could just handle everything. This includes trying to educate ourselves on autism, seek out support and resources, and just dealing with day-to-day events. When I suggest something, the response is "whatever you think is best." It's incredibly frustrating!!!
Yesterday, I told him that we had a support group meeting (like we do EVERY Wednesday), and asked if he was going to come with us. I've been going for the last several weeks, and he's only gone with me once before (where he refused to participate and made me feel very uncomfortable and embarrassed.) He told me he was pretty exhausted, so he would just stay home. I guilt-tripped him into agreeing to come by telling him that I feel like I'm being left to deal with everything on me, and that I really needed to know that he was going to help and support me. He came home from work, and just sighed and moped around, jumping on the kids to finish eating dinner so we could leave, etc. I told him that he could just stay home since he didn't want to go, but he said he wanted to go and be supportive and help, but it didn't sound genuine.
He came with us, but again didn't really participate. It made me really uncomfortable wanting to ask questions and talk to the other parents who were there because he just sat with his arms crossed and leaned back in his chair like it was a waste of his time. I know his family doesn't acknowledge/recognize any kind of issue (alcoholism, mental health issues such as bipolar {which Ian has been diagnosed with}, relationship issues, etc), but this is HIS son we're talking about, and I shouldn't have to be doing this on my own.
Even when I told him that I had been unofficially diagnosed and wanted an official evaluation for autism, he told me that I didn't really need one because he thought I was fine, but if I felt I needed it, that was fine. He'd love me just the same regardless of the results. I know that sounds sweet on the surface, but shouldn't he love me regardless, anyway, without making it sound like an official diagnosis is something that could possibly be a reason for NOT loving me?!? Don't get me wrong; he's a great father and provider, a wonderful husband. But on this issue, he's been painfully stand-offish and it's not making anything better.
I'm probably just stressing out, but I tend to do that and make things worse. My anxiety levels are really high tonight, and I'm finding myself feeling more and more overwhelmed and depressed as the days go by. Tomorrow marks 4 weeks, a month, since I got my testing done. They told me the results would take about a month to get in, and they would email them to me (so much for meeting with a person to give such results!); I can schedule an appointment to discuss them later if I want. I've been manically checking my email every time my phone indicates a new message, and nothing is there from the office. That's not helping my anxiety, and it's probably making it worse. *sigh* I think it's time for bed and relaxation. Hopefully whatever was causing Ricky to start flapping today is no longer bothering him, and with some rest, I'll feel better tomorrow.
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